Juice Cleanse: Why Do We Juice?

I woke up this morning certain that my phone had died and I had missed my alarm. Instead, I had actually woken up before my perfectly timed chiming period (Sleep Cycle reference). I'm also super hungry but have run out of lemon for my tea in the morning. So here I am sitting in bed, with hunger in my throat, but unwilling to drink the Brainiac juice sitting on my bedside table.
Urban Remedy's email this morning told me that I'm supposed to glow today. As if my juice cleanse has the same magical powers as pregnancy. Looking at myself in the mirror, I don't feel like I'm going to be glowing. I look disgusting, this horrible pale color with a yellow undertone. I'm not blaming my juice cleanse for my unattractiveness. That I can only attribute to poor genetics and my lack of sun. Now I wish I had asked my parents to send me to LA for a "job fair" and gotten my winter tan on. But honestly, even if after this cleanse I feel all fresh and healthy, how could that be properly translated to the world without the appropriate sun kissed face??
Today, I'm hoping to continue with my job app streak. But I'm not feeling as motivated as I did yesterday. Since I submitted my last app, I've started looking at positions I care more about and would be devastated if I didn't get a call back from. I've also stalked every person remotely related to these companies on LinkedIn to see how they got there. I've discovered that they got there by being better than me.
All my life people have told me not to compare myself to others, but that just seems like the biggest load of crap. Grades, GPAs, resumes, not to mention the load of superficial insecurities that I have that do not relate to job searches are all a comparison game. Sadly, I think that I wanted to do this juice cleanse to make myself a better version of myself. I was hoping that I'd be thinner and prettier and more attractive. Maybe this juice cleanse could be the thing that jumpstarted the me that I always dreamed I'd be? That statement seems potentially harmless. Be your best self, right? But under that statement is the true unshakable insecurities that will undoubtedly haunt for the rest of my life. And unfortunately, there's no juice cleanse to detox me from that.